College is full of diversity; diversity of people, beliefs, beauty and of course... assholes.
Before I continue this rant, we need to define a couple things. Most people get the words , douchebag, dick and asshole mixed together. In order to properly address "how not to be an asshole", we should cover these basics:
A douchebag is a person that most people tolerate, but particularly don’t like. They come well-manicured and display narcissistic tendencies. If you are in need of an example, please watch one episode of “Jersey Shore”.
A dick is man showing either masculinity or dominance. These situations usually occur when two males are interested in the same female. They do and say things in order to make their second brain seem bigger than the others; whether by funny, mean, demeaning, or racy comments or gestures. These types of thick-headed fleshy pods are compensating for a lack there of...
The assholes are people who go out of their way to piss you off. They possess a cynical lack of care for other people’s feelings or beliefs. There are few who are rarely friends with asshole, because they are that repulsive to be around. Most assholes are friends with other assholes because no one likes them and they can stew together.
Assholes can be the aristocrat; they don’t have to answer to anyone and they have enough money to do what they want, when they want. Yes, your boss can go under this category as well. It's that dude at the DMV who hands you one page of information to fill out, only to makes you grab another number slip and wait 45 minutes to see him again. This is the guy who passes you on the freeway, cuts you off and drives slower than you were driving.
Let's face it: from time to time, we find ourselves in that category of the flatulent gatekeeper. Now you understand how the asshole works; here are some tips on how to avoid being an anus in a college environment, starting least to most important:
10. If laundry in the dryer is still wet, please don't take too long:
This applies to people living in apartment complexes or shared laundry units. Nobody likes waiting around to use the dryer. We have homework to do, beer to drink, etc... If they packed the dryer too tight, then they are the assholes and should have to deal with that problem.
9. Don’t be a hater:
“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all” is a phrase that everyone’s mother has told them over and over again. Why? People aren’t trying to hear you bitch about someone or something. No one gives a cares about your negative opinion. This also coincides with racism, sexism and making fun of homosexuals.
8. Drunk is not an excuse:
How many times have you heard a friend say, “I’m sorry I was an asshole last night; I was just really drunk...” That’s like saying, “I’m sorry I smashed your girlfriend and gave her three orgasms; I was drunk...” or “I’m sorry I took a shit on your floor...” I could go into more lengthy and reproachful scenarios, but I feel you understand my deposition.
7. Don’t cheat:
Yes, we are young, dumb and full of... well, you get the picture. We are experimenting with relationships at this age of our lives, but it is never cool to go screw someone else, regardless of the circumstance. There’s nothing worse than figuring out that your partner slept with someone, like your BFF, siblings, parent, etc. It’s hurtful to be unfaithful to someone and loses a lot of trust. It's something that will always be in the back of their mind; they’ll do it back to spite you. Then, people catch wind of the situation, and you find yourself lonely to a box of tissues and the World Wide Web.
6. Clean after yourself:
When you are dirty and don’t clean up, people will start to hate you; especially roommates. If you are regularly being called out by your roomies for being a pig, just clean the shit up. People will start liking you more. Example, you make some food. DO YOUR DISHES! If you puke on the driveway. SPRAY OFF THE DRIVEWAY! Your mom isn't around to follow you, cleaning up after as you go. If she is, then you are a tool. If you live with your mother, then still clean up. She's probably sick and tired of you acting childish.
5. Be respectful:
When you give respect, you get respect. Assholes, generally, don’t give a shit about what people think of them; thus, why we refer to them as an orfus of which feces is excreted. Plus, if you talk smack to someone who is bigger than you and they hit you in the mouth, just know you had it coming. If you go to jail and aren't respectful, you will most like experience very unpleasant consequences. As a wise man once said: "Don't crap on the hand that feeds you."
4. Let it go:
If you have a disagreement with someone, just release it into the wind and let it float away. Assholes like let things fester sometimes, which cause severe constipation of the attitude. These anal-retentives like to re-harsh problems from long ago, even after there was closure. Trust me, people already know when they messed up and sure don't like it when there is a constant reminder. If its something that drastic, you probably don't want to be friends with that person, anyway. So get the hell over it, please.
3. Be quiet in the library:
We like the library because it’s a quiet, serene place to study. We pay a lot of good money for our education. Some students have no other outlet for a study environment than the library. Nobody cares about your overly excited conversation with your frat bro on how you tag teamed some “drunk bitch” or got super wasted and pissed yourself. Do this quietly via text message or go outside of the study area.
2. Shower regularly:
Sometimes you wake up late for class and you are in a rush, so you skip the shower to make it to class on time. Please do everyone a favor: take a damn shower so you don’t smell like ass. Guys, if you don’t shower, girls will not want to fuck you. Girls, if you don’t shower... well guys will still try to pork you.
1. Don’t give people STDs/STIs:
The worst impression to give that special someone is some gonorrhea. Herpes isn't the gift that keeps on giving that you want to give away. Generally, people will be disgusted/horrified, will tell their friends and you will become a social piraha. Regular checks with the doctor will save you much hatred.
Please do your best to watch out for these types of behavior. Remember, its better to be nice to somebody that it is to act like a shit puppet.
Before I continue this rant, we need to define a couple things. Most people get the words , douchebag, dick and asshole mixed together. In order to properly address "how not to be an asshole", we should cover these basics:
A douchebag is a person that most people tolerate, but particularly don’t like. They come well-manicured and display narcissistic tendencies. If you are in need of an example, please watch one episode of “Jersey Shore”.
A dick is man showing either masculinity or dominance. These situations usually occur when two males are interested in the same female. They do and say things in order to make their second brain seem bigger than the others; whether by funny, mean, demeaning, or racy comments or gestures. These types of thick-headed fleshy pods are compensating for a lack there of...
The assholes are people who go out of their way to piss you off. They possess a cynical lack of care for other people’s feelings or beliefs. There are few who are rarely friends with asshole, because they are that repulsive to be around. Most assholes are friends with other assholes because no one likes them and they can stew together.
Assholes can be the aristocrat; they don’t have to answer to anyone and they have enough money to do what they want, when they want. Yes, your boss can go under this category as well. It's that dude at the DMV who hands you one page of information to fill out, only to makes you grab another number slip and wait 45 minutes to see him again. This is the guy who passes you on the freeway, cuts you off and drives slower than you were driving.
Let's face it: from time to time, we find ourselves in that category of the flatulent gatekeeper. Now you understand how the asshole works; here are some tips on how to avoid being an anus in a college environment, starting least to most important:
10. If laundry in the dryer is still wet, please don't take too long:
This applies to people living in apartment complexes or shared laundry units. Nobody likes waiting around to use the dryer. We have homework to do, beer to drink, etc... If they packed the dryer too tight, then they are the assholes and should have to deal with that problem.
9. Don’t be a hater:
“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all” is a phrase that everyone’s mother has told them over and over again. Why? People aren’t trying to hear you bitch about someone or something. No one gives a cares about your negative opinion. This also coincides with racism, sexism and making fun of homosexuals.
8. Drunk is not an excuse:
How many times have you heard a friend say, “I’m sorry I was an asshole last night; I was just really drunk...” That’s like saying, “I’m sorry I smashed your girlfriend and gave her three orgasms; I was drunk...” or “I’m sorry I took a shit on your floor...” I could go into more lengthy and reproachful scenarios, but I feel you understand my deposition.
7. Don’t cheat:
Yes, we are young, dumb and full of... well, you get the picture. We are experimenting with relationships at this age of our lives, but it is never cool to go screw someone else, regardless of the circumstance. There’s nothing worse than figuring out that your partner slept with someone, like your BFF, siblings, parent, etc. It’s hurtful to be unfaithful to someone and loses a lot of trust. It's something that will always be in the back of their mind; they’ll do it back to spite you. Then, people catch wind of the situation, and you find yourself lonely to a box of tissues and the World Wide Web.
6. Clean after yourself:
When you are dirty and don’t clean up, people will start to hate you; especially roommates. If you are regularly being called out by your roomies for being a pig, just clean the shit up. People will start liking you more. Example, you make some food. DO YOUR DISHES! If you puke on the driveway. SPRAY OFF THE DRIVEWAY! Your mom isn't around to follow you, cleaning up after as you go. If she is, then you are a tool. If you live with your mother, then still clean up. She's probably sick and tired of you acting childish.
5. Be respectful:
When you give respect, you get respect. Assholes, generally, don’t give a shit about what people think of them; thus, why we refer to them as an orfus of which feces is excreted. Plus, if you talk smack to someone who is bigger than you and they hit you in the mouth, just know you had it coming. If you go to jail and aren't respectful, you will most like experience very unpleasant consequences. As a wise man once said: "Don't crap on the hand that feeds you."
4. Let it go:
If you have a disagreement with someone, just release it into the wind and let it float away. Assholes like let things fester sometimes, which cause severe constipation of the attitude. These anal-retentives like to re-harsh problems from long ago, even after there was closure. Trust me, people already know when they messed up and sure don't like it when there is a constant reminder. If its something that drastic, you probably don't want to be friends with that person, anyway. So get the hell over it, please.
3. Be quiet in the library:
We like the library because it’s a quiet, serene place to study. We pay a lot of good money for our education. Some students have no other outlet for a study environment than the library. Nobody cares about your overly excited conversation with your frat bro on how you tag teamed some “drunk bitch” or got super wasted and pissed yourself. Do this quietly via text message or go outside of the study area.
2. Shower regularly:
Sometimes you wake up late for class and you are in a rush, so you skip the shower to make it to class on time. Please do everyone a favor: take a damn shower so you don’t smell like ass. Guys, if you don’t shower, girls will not want to fuck you. Girls, if you don’t shower... well guys will still try to pork you.
1. Don’t give people STDs/STIs:
The worst impression to give that special someone is some gonorrhea. Herpes isn't the gift that keeps on giving that you want to give away. Generally, people will be disgusted/horrified, will tell their friends and you will become a social piraha. Regular checks with the doctor will save you much hatred.
Please do your best to watch out for these types of behavior. Remember, its better to be nice to somebody that it is to act like a shit puppet.
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